


Operation: Red Moon

by Measured



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Menstruation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 06:57:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17116580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Measured/pseuds/Measured
Summary: Real men go shopping for their girlfriends when that time of the months comes around without any embarrassment.





	Operation: Red Moon

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Missy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/gifts).



> For Bring_Me_Sugar/Missy for fandom_stocking. Set post s6 but no spoilers.

Amy's uniform was flawless, without a single spill of single mustard, or crumb to be brushed away. By comparison, His blue shirt already had synchronized mustard streaks from when he'd taken two in his mouth just to prove to Rosa that he could.

And dang if she didn't fill out that uniform well. If she wasn't so adverse to staining that pristine suit, it'd come up in their love life. But being Amy, it just wasn't going to happen. They'd tried to go to a costume store to get a police outfit to substitute, but Amy had been super pissed at the inaccuracies when they'd opened it up, and they'd just ended up watching Netflix instead. 

Her desk didn't even have a speck of dust on it. She set her big black purse which carried about everything and the kitchen sink, and began to dig through it. She lifted out a complete set of laminated binders, a set of handcuffs, and a notebook full of color-coded ideas to implement in the next meeting. She grimaced as she stared down in her black back.

"Ugh, the dispenser is broken in the bathroom. I need to bring that up at the next meeting." Amy took out a notebook and added it along the many other subjects she meant to broach.

Jake looked up from his desk. "Something the matter, Aims?"

Amy glanced around, and lowered her voice. "It's that time of the month, and I'm out of tampons."

"You usually keep some in your purse. You're prepared for _everything_. I think I saw a pair of bolt cutters in there at some point," Jake said.

"I had to change purses when I found out that Scully and Hitchcock had been storing food in mine." She grimaced. "It attracted _mice_."

"Look on the bright side, at least it wasn't roaches. Mice are cute and probably didn't start the Black Death!"

"Actually, it did. This is New York, after all. I didn't mention that part because I didn't want to think about how gross it was," Amy said.

Jake grimaced. "Oh."

"I must've forgotten. I know it's hard to believe," Amy said. "I'll just..." 

Jake rose up with a wild, romantic look in his eyes. "I've been preparing for this moment all my life." Jake reached into his pocket, and pulled out a slightly melted kit-kat bar which had been in his pocket since last lunch.

"I know you prefer free-trade dark chocolate because it's healthier and doesn't have High-Fructose Corn Syrup or gluten, but this will keep you until I'm done. Also, this isn't the misogynistic stereotype that women unreasonable on their period--chocolate makes everyone feel better! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to make a run to a store to _get things_." He said 'things' in a distinctly Batman way. Nolan North, not Adam West.

On the way towards the door, he caught sight of Rosa. She pulled her big leather coat a bit tighter, and gave him her usual disdainful glare as he passed.

"Hey, Rosa! I'm going out to get Amy some period stuff, you need anything?"

She glared. "Are you saying I seem like I might be on my _period?_ " She pulled out a knife about the size of his forearm from some hidden sheath, "For the record, I just have a resting bitch personality."

"I'm not asking that at all! I mean--Do you need anything from the store while I'm out? Like--a coffee!"

"No. And if you ever speak of this again--"

"Gotcha!"

In his mind, he'd throw out a rope and shimmy down that wall. It would be like Die Hard; it would be _awesome._ In reality, Amy would list all the violations, as well as probably get him put on paperwork duty for ages.

And it'd be hot, but not hot enough to endure paperwork. So instead, he slid towards that door, and made finger guns at the elevator button. The door opened, and Charles appeared. For some reason, he was wearing an ascot, like full on what somebody was yachting. 

"Hey, Charles, are you undercover or something?"

"Hey Jake! This is just called fashion. I'd say you should look it up, but you already know it well enough--you and fashion could be _neighbors._ You're headed out early, is there a case? I could join you on it--"

"Nope, Amy needs _period stuff_." He said that lower, with a glance back to her desk.

"I'll go with you. I know a really good brie which I always give my wife when it's that time of the month. It always makes her super amorous, and then we--"

Jake cut him off. "K, coolcoolcool, See you there!"

He was too wound up to just stand still and wait while the elevator rumbled down. 

Instead, he took the stairs two at a time, and loudly hummed the Mission Impossible theme to himself. 

"I'll just--meet you at the door," Charles said. Charles pushed the button on the elevator and the doors closed again.

*

Jake came across his enemy: massive amounts of choices due to capitalism. There was a whole aisle of products, from maxis with wings, to there were scented ones that apparently smelled like roses, and there were even organic tampons that left him confused in more than one way, because he was fairly certain tampons weren't something people ate.

He tapped his foot on the white speckled floor. He could call her, or...

"Or I could focus my mind and magically pull it from my memory, like a TV detective!" Jake said, his voice full of wondered.

Jake tried to remember the box under the sink. But all that came out of his deep soul searching was 80s song lyrics. He started to hum _Tainted Love_ as he searched the aisle.

Then, it came him. Jake knew exactly what to do. Jake quickly threw one of multiple types. Not every type on the shelf, because he'd probably have to take out a loan. And he'd do that for Amy, but it would probably get a _what were you thinking?_ kind of spat. 

On the way out, he grabbed 80% dark chocolate, free trade and organic, a plastic wrapped sandwich from the deli he thought looked healthy (it had _lettuce_ on it and everything) and a bottled water.

There was no line, which in New York was a minor miracle. The young male cashier smirked as he laid it all down. He couldn't have been more than fifteen, gawky and still steeped in toxic masculinity.

"For the record, this is called being a _good_ boyfriend. And for the record, some guys _do_ need tampons, and using it as an insult is both misogynistic _and_ transphobic! B-aam!"

Charles appeared behind him, with brie cheese in his hands. He set it down on the conveyor belt, just to match Jake's finger guns.

"Oooh, you just got _burned!_ " Charles said.

"Double _burned._ "

"Respect women and other people who aren't women but still have periods high five."

Charles and Jake loudly high-fived right there in the corner store.

"Will that be cash or credit?" The cashier said flatly.

"One day, you'll drink that respect women juice," Jake muttered. "And I'll take credit."

It was another minor miracle that his credit card wasn't declined. Today was just his lucky day. Of course, that's what he always thought waking up to Amy Santiago.

*

Jake laid out his goods on Amy's desk like he was bringing back the spoils of battle.

"There you go, _my lady._ "

"Need an extra fedora over there, Jake?" Rosa said.

"It was knight, not _Whitenight._ Amy and I just watched this documentary about courtly love."

Rosa lifted her eyebrows. "Mmmhmm," Rosa said, completely unconvinced. 

He started to pull out the goods, uncaring that their coworkers looked on. Women (and people who didn't ID as women, but also had periods) were unfairly stigmatized. If only he could kick through the shame game because the jokes and shock over such basic things were tired and frankly, stupid. 

"It's just a bodily function, nothing to see here," Jake said.

"Are you stocking up for a zombie apocalypse? There's enough for a whole shelter here," Amy said.

 _"Always,"_ Jake said, his voice filled with intensity.

She leaned in to kiss him. "This is so sweet of you. I love that you did this without being embarrassed--and that you stock up for the zombie apocalypse," she said.

Her voice grew sultry, and low as she leaned in. "And it's really sexy how much you respect women."

Her hand rested on his chest as she leaned in to kiss him. 

_Damn, I'm lucky,_ Jake thought.


End file.
